A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They hit if off, and end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is littered with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears sit on a shelf near the floor, Medium sized bears are on the next shelf up, and huge bears line the top shelf. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have so prolific a collection of teddy bears, but he opts not to make mention of it. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, Well, how was it? The woman says, You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.
Jack was set to marry Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said Jack, let me tell you something: On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here, try these on. She tried on the pants and said, These just dont fit, to which I replied, Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had a problem. Hmm, said Jack, thinking this might be worth a try. So, on his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, Here, try these on. Jill does so and says, These just dont fit, to which Jack replied, Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I dont want you to ever forget that. So, Jill took off her pants, handed them to Jack and said, Here, you try on mine. Jack does so and says, I cant get into your pants, to which Jill replied, Exactly. And if you dont change your attitude, you never will.
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy, confused by this, approaches his mother. Mom, whats a pussy? The mother, startled by this, thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says Son, that is a pussy. The son then asks Whats a bitch? The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says Son, this is a bitch. The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says Dad, whats a pussy? The father doesnt want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out a copy of Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says Son, this is a pussy! The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks Then, what is a bitch? The dad replies, Everything outside the circle.
A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest. The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin. She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him, says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips. Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. Now tell HIM you have a headache.
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. Youre crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there? Were taking TWA, was the reply. We got a great rate! TWA! exclaimed the barber. Thats a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and theyre always late. So, where are you staying in Rome? Well be at the downtown International Marriott. That dump! Thats the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and theyre overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there? Were going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. Thats rich, laughed the barber. You and a million other people trying to see him. Hell look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. Youre going to need it! A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. It was wonderful, explained the man, not only were we on time in one of TWAs brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! Theyd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now its the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! Well, muttered the barber, I know you didnt get to see the pope. Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if Id be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me. Whatd he say? He said, Whered you get that shitty haircut?
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